So I finally gave in and decided to see what all the hype has been about over Twilight.

When this movie first came out I was slightly interested to see it… until I found out that in this universe vampires glitter. That pretty much killed all interest I ever had in the movie and I was under a personal decree to not see the film. I finally changed my mind because curiosity got me. I will premise the following review with the fact that I have not, and probably will not, ever read the books. My review is based solely on the movie presentation.

I will start by saying that I feel the whole movie would have been greatly improved had they simply chosen a new Bella Swan actress. I have seen Kristen Stewart in several films, dating back to films such as “Speak” where her stoic demeanor was highly appropriate for the role of a rape victim. Later seen in Adventureland, it showed that she hadn’t changed at all and I cannot see any range of acting skill in her whatsoever. In my opinion she is nothing more than a one trick pony and she wasn’t really right for the film unless epic staring contests, huff-puff breathing, and freakish eye twitching count as good acting.

I know I will get quite the backlash on what I am about to say as Stewart has now become the sweetheart of the Twilight world, but I think Michelle Trachtenberg would have been an absolute perfect fit for this role. I know her eyes are blue… but they have colored contacts if people are going to get strict about how much the actress matches the character description. Michelle has an impressive array of work, and she is a wonderful actress with tons of talent. Every role I have seen her play has been genuine and original because she brings something special with her onto the screen. Of course no one could forget that she has experience in portraying a young girl caught up in supernatural crisis, and I don’t understand why she wasn’t called to do it in the first place.

As a second runner up I pick Shiri Appleby for the role as she has also exhibited the talent to show emotions while still being serious, and comes across as more genuine than Kristen Stewart to me, although that is not too difficult to accomplish as Stewart is pretty much a walking block of wood. I know that she’s a bit older, but she still has a bit of a baby face and could probably pull it off. I feel Shiri’s role on Roswell was also more akin to what Bella, a 17 year old high school student with a mostly normal life, should have been.

My biggest pet peeve about this movie is the fact that Stephanie Meyer seemed to think that the drawback to being immortal with superhuman powers should be a dazzling diamond like sparkle on the skin. I mean really come on, why isn’t everyone clamoring to become a vampire then? Side effects like that make it a walk in the park!

I especially love the part where Edward is trying to be dramatic and prove what a monster he is, so he takes Bella at blurring speed all the way up a mountain to get above the clouds so that he can show her how hideous he is. Once standing in the sun, he turns to her with an unbuttoned shirt and proclaims his monstrosity… I about died laughing. Worse yet was the idiotic sound effect they decided to tie to the sparkle… do prisms make sounds in the sun? No they don’t so I am at a total loss as to why they felt there should be a glitter sound effect in the movie. The movie would have had a much more dramatic feel had he tried to prove what a monster he is by ripping out the throat of a deer in front of Bella or something similar to that. I think the movies would really benefit from a creative change that deviates from the books, and that change would be to leave the sparkle out entirely and just not mention it.

Vampires have the common theme in both literature and film that they are truly damned monsters because they drink the blood of the living. In reality they are another type of creature that feeds off of blood yes, but damned is hardly accurate. A closer correlation would be to compare them to lions eating gazelles in the wild. Lions are not monsters because they must eat to live, so why would vampires be classified differently? This theme has always bothered me a little and I have hope that at some point in time we will finally get a change to that in our literature and film, Twilight will not be the place for that change it seems. While on the topic of common themes, I want to cover the fact that in every vampire tale there is always a woman who wants to leave her human life behind and the vampire decides to save her soul and not change her. It would be an amazing change to see a woman become a vampire and then watch as she transitions into her newfound life. I was a bit upset that they saved Bella from changing and then later tried to deny her what she wanted. So I guess I will have to wait and see how that is handled later.

Major gripes I have with the way they made this film include bad effects, bad makeup, and bad acting. The effects were terrible! I have seen made for TV movies that have had better effects than this movie did, and they supposedly had a semi-decent budget for this one ($37 million to be exact). While I admit that isn’t a spectacular budget, they could have gotten some better post production guys on staff with that for sure. It makes no sense to me why they couldn’t do better than they did, the blur effect was choppy, the superhuman jumping was so obviously done with wires I’m amazed I failed to see the wire, and all super-speed effects were a total waste. Makeup in this movie was extremely poorly done, and clashed with the coloring they did in post production (the dreaded teal and orange). The lips practically glowed red/pink while the skin was deathly white (so much so that every person in a million mile radius should have been staring mouth agape at these people), and the eyebrows and eyelashes were almost blackened, even on the blondes. It ended up looking totally fake and overdone.

Finally, the acting struck a particular chord in me that resonated in the tune of fail. I was actually finding myself bored at times because of all the blank staring they did at one another, and it was highly overused. I agree with using an elongated stare for dramatic purposes here and there, but they pretty much filled about 45 minutes of the film with it. In addition to the long staring contests, breathing in this movie sounded like a Lamaze class gone wrong. Every other scene was practically a competition to see who could pant the hardest and longest before speaking. It was especially bothersome when Stewart combined her mega eye twitch technique with her sketchy gasps and fishlike mouth quivers all at once. When speaking rather than breathing hard, the lines were not always genuine and it was unrealistic to me that most of the characters could be so completely devoid of any enthusiasm without first having their life threatened.

Hurry up and wait should have been the tagline for this movie’s beginning half. Through the entire first half of the movie it moves at a snail pace attempting to set up a story, and fills gaps with staring. Somehow the plot managed to feel rushed even though the movie was dragging me through a Salvador Dali painting. Feeling as if I was one of those clocks peeling down the edge of the Earth I continued to watch, and suddenly the plot picked up speed and blew through the reminder of time in the blink of an eye! One thing that really bothered me was the amount of time it took Bella to decide she was hopelessly till-death-do-we-part in love with Edward. They went on about 4-5 dates maybe, and never even got terribly frisky, but she was willing to lay her life down for him. I can certainly remember being 17 and falling in love, but never did it happen over the course of a week! Once the story’s protagonist James catches a whiff of Bella it’s over before it begins. A cat and mouse game begins and in the course of maybe 30 minutes, they rush to the end of the story with a lackluster fight scene to act as the climax of the film.

Characters that felt true and genuine to me were Bella’s father and her friends from High School. In fact, Bella’s father Charlie has my vote for best character in the movie. Actor Billy Burke delivered his lines well, showed proper emotion, and made me laugh occasionally. While sometimes a little over the top, Bella’s High School friends portrayed average teenagers quite well. Concerns of the day revolved around what to do that night, who to take to prom, and how to get a little closer to Bella. All of those things felt right for the mood they were meant to set. Another good thing I can say for the film is that it was a good lead in for the other installments into the series. It definitely began a story and left you wondering what comes next. Sadly, that is about the best thing I can say for it.

Need a refresher on the movie since its been awhile? Check out 30 second bunnies as they recap it in 30 seconds for you. I love these little guys!

If you like the movie, or you’re like me and just have to see it out of curiosity, you can pick it up here on Blu-Ray or DVD.

I will be writing a review on each movie in the series as they come out, check back to see the New Moon review soon.